haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
