I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
