Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
