i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
