Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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