I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I FOUND THE LEGS
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
