just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just pee around me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
