Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
