I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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