I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
