im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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