You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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