She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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