I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
