I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
