May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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