Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
