I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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