exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
