Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
