Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
