wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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