Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
