its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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