Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
