I saw his package. It spoke to me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
