Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize