How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
