Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
