What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize