did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
