considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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