Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
