apparently the secret to your success is patron
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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