I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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