Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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