im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
