The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
