I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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