Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
