Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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