You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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