if i can run in heels then i can drive
Someone shit on the floor
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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