Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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