guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
