If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
