i was rollin on her like bob the builder
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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