this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
