My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i came on her dog
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
