Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
