why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
