filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
