WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
