I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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