Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
