Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
