Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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