hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
