pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You were trust falling into bushes
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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